So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
