I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I have feelings that need drinking.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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