I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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