4 words: hood of his car
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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