We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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