I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
