It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
not ubering you a puppy
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
