he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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