: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
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