I smell stomach acid.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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