he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
