You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
It's shark week go big or go home
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
