ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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