I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
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