Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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