i need an iv and a liver transplant
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
