Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
