That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
