I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just had sex on a roof
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
