You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
There's always time for handjobs
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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