I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
