I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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