I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
