Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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