this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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