The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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