i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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