Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
