I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
