so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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