Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
