can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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