When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
