look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
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