This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
