there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
