It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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