just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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