So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
