I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
too bad you live with your parents still
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
