Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
