woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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