Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
