you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
