Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
