I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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