This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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