Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
