took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
