when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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