I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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